We all get to this point at various times, some more infrequent than others. It’s time to be who I need to be, to feel right with the world and its purpose (naturally, we have no idea what that actually means and yet, it feels real enough).
So now I know what needs to be done, great! Where to from here?
Wait, I need to finish off something or other, I need more time in the world of make-belief, I need time, don’t pressure me, what’s wrong with the way I live? What right do you have to go against the grain? Enough of this fantasy, let’s get back to life.
The cycle continues for several rotations, and within a blink of an eye, we’re in our twilight years thinking about all the things we did not do nor achieve nor resolve, this thought being utterly depressing for me now.
We need to stop going through the cycles and get off this ferris wheel of meaningless?
I know let’s build a meaningful life, based on core values, based on love and nurture of the unit and not just ourselves, creating space and love for others who come into our sphere of influence and treat people with respect.
This life sounds grand, almost ideal, but it’s missing something, it’s missing… meaning.
So for meaning, we can strive to build this life so it has a residual value, when our number of days is up, therefore, it must be something; tangible, valuable and devoid of corruptible elements… I got it!!!! We need to raise children, then we can instill these values in them, together with meaningfulness they can internalize them and have something to pass on to their children. We are almost there, and yet it feels contrived, like a well-designed illusion lacking a fundamental truth…
We have now reached an impasse and on the verge of throwing in the towel, proceeding back to our next cycle, when… I remember a lullaby which my grandmother taught me, some meaningless ditty that I could not understand, sung in a foreign language that I only learned because it put a smile on her face as I stumbled through the difficult words whilst trying to remain in tune.
What was it again… how did it go… Now I remember and from now on will never forget,
Shema Yisroel – HaShem Alokainu – HaShem Echad
I have come full circle, back to my core, back to who I am and now I understand that without HIM, I have nothing, I don’t even have a notion of what I am.
By placing HaShem in the center of our life/world, we allow ourselves to live, function with meaning, and be able to be the type of people we actually like.
Once we get to this point, then we can begin to craft the life we conceived earlier, but this time without any missing ingredients, with a central core, a fundamental truth for meaning, and a full heart.
From this point onwards we can start the journey of finding that special person who will join us on this journey, which is sometimes turbulent and scary, at times magical and sublime but always meaningful and rewarding.
My biggest blessing was to have found my special one, my zivug, my Chaya Batya, to share in our mutual journey of building a small dira b’tachtonim, where we try our best to welcome our special guest daily.
May Hashem continue to bless our union, may his radiance shine upon us, and may he shower us with his love and blessings until 120, with our hands firmly clasped together, through all stages of our lives.
From the depth of my heart, for now, and forever more, I love you and thank you for being you,
Happy 10th anniversary my love.